Come Along With Me

I-Heart.org

If you know me at all, I kind of have a weird affinity for every season.  I love them all for different reasons.  Summer and I have a marvelous relationship, that I have a hard time letting go of come September.  Summer holds crazy days, and even crazier nights.  There’s a sense of adventure, and certainly no monotony.  Rules are to be broken, and late nights are good for the soul, because the next day can be spend laying in bed.  Early morning sunrise hikes, adventure days, and long summer nights.  It’s that kind of constantly changing, constantly moving idea that keeps me captivated with summer.

The transistion to fall is never fun.  I have a hard time going back to the monotony of school.  I hate letting go of the free bird attitude and having to grasp onto the idea of getting up to the same thing everyday, day after day.

But then the leaves start to change, and for some reason or another it speaks to my soul.  There’s something about the color of the sun this time of year, it hits earth and instantly there’s a glow that can’t be found any other time.  Even now, I’m sitting here looking out the window and I can do nothing but smile at God’s handy work. I catch myself smiling, sometime obnoxiously giggling at the sight of all the color and knowing that it’s all in Him that I can smile and appreciate it the way He intended me to.  Thanksgiving dinner, and cornucopias. Cool mornings and brisk evenings spent over coffee bundled in a sweater with close company keep me smiling all year round. 

Then it happens, the most wonderful thing.  Snow hits the mountains first, where the white background provides a brilliant place for reds, yellows and greens to shine through. 

Then the office gets magazines to order Christmas cards, and my boss starts laying out all the details of the holidays.  Great friends make plans for amazing nights spent over great music where soon enough,  Downtown Denver will adorn the dangling lights.  Cinnamon takes on an entirely different smell.  The famous red cups hit starbucks, and the fireplace is constantly roaring. Being trapped in because of the snow isn’t nearly so bad with good company, and good coffee.  Isn’t nearly so bad without it either. 

A woman walked into the office and was talking about the wonder of fall.  How marvelous that someone else appreciates it like I do.  That’s what spurred this crazy rant.  Somoene else sharing in my obsession. 

God is good.  It’s the simplicities that I pass everyday that I so appreciate in Him.  He’s so creative, and His creative nature sitrs my soul, and I’m left with a pleasant unrest. 

I have a little bit of it all right here, right now.  My Christmas card catalog, my sun-filled window, and my Starbucks coffee cup. 

If only it were red.

So summer and I had our final day today   It wasn’t what I wished it were.  No fun in the sun, or spontaneous obnoxiousness, quite simply, it just ended. It’s over between us.

I’m usually ready to head back to school, but for some reason or another I’m just not there.  I don’t want it to all end just yet.  There are a lot of changes headed my way this semster and I know that plays a huge role in why I simply don’t wanna get it all started.  I’m trying my best not to avoid it, but I’m definitely not trying as hard as I could.  Why?  I don’t really know.

I’m apathetic right now, and that’s frustrating.  My thoughts are a jumbled mess that I just can’t seem to sort out.  My emotions are an even bigger mess.  It’s not normal for me, and I think that’s why I’m not such a fan.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  I’m in desperate need of some inspiration.

Alaska.  It’s a little over a week away. 

I’m nervous about it.  So incredibly excited, but very very nervous all in one.  I’m usually at home so I have all this time to reconnect with our students before we go on some huge adventure, and this time I haven’t been.  Don’t get me wrong,  I do not regret my decision to stay here in the Fort, and invest in these relationships, and I know that’s what God wanted me to do, but I’m curious still to know why God would take me on a trip I feel I’m not prepared for. 

I know and trust that it will all work out, because that’s very much God.  He has a fantastic sense of humor in my life.  Still, my doubts find me, and I’m doing my best to keep them at bay, but reality is, they creep more than I would like.

Summer is finally here!

Three years ago at this time I was graduating high school, my how the times flies.

I spent finals week doing anything and everything but finals… literally.  We spent almost everyday up the canyon, hiking and jumping off cliffs into nasty brown foamy water at Seaman reservoir.  Small group bbqs turned into madness and I completely forgot to study for a lot of my finals. 

It was worth it though.  I had a bit of an emotional breakdown Tuesday afternoon, realizing that I wanted to live my life instead of become a hermit.  A great friend of mine calmed all my fears and let me know that this will be the finals week I will remember for the rest of my life.  So what if I didn’t get an A, instead I got a B, maybe even that C, but I made memories and built friendships to last a lifetime.  I’m still gonna pass the class and I’m still one step closer to getting that degree, so why not make it worth my time?  I’m really happy with my decision and I love how God blessed that week.

I’m definitely in an emotional funk right now… still. I’m frustrated and in love with change all the same.  Some of the 1509 girls left for the summer, some permanently, and that’s an unparalleled change I’m not yet ready to face.  I’ve been running from that since Friday and I’m learning it’s time to face it.  Yet at the same time, I’m unbelievable excited for the girls to move in next semester.  I honestly cannot wait to see what God is going to do with our friendships and wiht our ministry that we’re building just inside the house.  The impact we had this semester was fanastic, so I can’t wait to see what’s in store.  Yet it lingers that the dynamic will never be the same and that leaves me in a state of discontent and emotional wreckage. 

I’m excited it’s summer though, I’m working really easy days and have my entire afternoon off, which so far has led me to some amazing afternoons.  It’s my first summer in the Fort so I’m looking forward to all that entails. 

It’s gonna be awesome, for now I’m just adjusting.

I love it when God’s Word speaks so clearly and loudly to my soul.

At my home church, the college class is doing a study on worship, redefining our definition of worship.  If you grew up in church, and even if you didn’t, you most likely think of worship as a time spent with music playing, people singing and the Lord moving.  And while this definition still stands true, we’re working to redefine it in our daily lives.

The idea thrills me!!! I am a HUGE fan of worship!!

Backtracking a little, the verse we spent time on this week was Isaiah 29:13.
“These people come near to me with their mouth and honor  me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught.”

Here are my thoughts late Sunday afternoon as I spent some time at home:
How often I come before Him with empty praise, an empty heart essentially, I’m ashamed to say.  I’m loving this idea of changing my perception of worship, into something that is continual, not scheduled or periodic.  Making worship a critical part of my day, versus Sundays at church, or Thursdays at Cru.  I love worship!  I love moments with God that surround worship. But God is asking me to bring all that I am to the table and lay it all out.  Can I do that without bias? Can I be completely honest with God and let him deal with my struggles, versus trying to control certain aspects of my life?  How elementary the question sounds! How many times are we going to go through this?”

We had ONE tonight.  And while I’m beyond grateful for the hearts of the people that put it together, I had a strange discomfort in my heart the entire night.  Much could be attributed to the fact that the lovely ladies that sat behind me, talked about nothing more than the “cute” vs. “non-cute” members of the band, and apparently (according to them) your level of attractiveness plays a huge role in how well you play your chosen instrument.  I don’t agree with them, on any level, but their talking through both worship and prayer got me thinking. I began to notice the people around me, those clearly in worship, and those chatting through prayer.  I appreciated the hearts of those that wanted to pray for the campus, and cried for those who came to do nothing more than socialize through every aspect.

Call me bitter, call me judgemental, but I have pressing questions on my heart….

Is worship the new trend?! Could it only be trendy to go to such worship events?! Why is it that we can only lift our hands to the King in rooms surround with believers, instead of standing out in the open with no one familiar shouting His praise?

The Message put this verse in words that gave me goosebumps.
“These people make a big show of saying the right thing,
but their hearts aren’t in it.
Because they act like they’re worshiping me
but don’t mean it.”

The idea of being genuine and vulnerable has been something that’s been on my heart recently, something like two years or so. Something that for years I struggled with.  That’s changing, and I’m beyond grateful for that, but up until a little while ago, it was something I truly didn’t understand, and I never made a real effort at.

I’ve  longed for this.  An open, intimate, genuine relationship with God.  One that doesn’t take place just on nights like tonight, or Sunday mornings, but in the 30 minutes between classes, or the 10 minutes I spend waiting for a friend to go to lunch.  I want to be able to praise Him when I’m walking in the warm sun, and even in the pouring rain.  I don’t want it to be trendy, or cool… I want it to be raw and vulnerable.

I’m making worship an integral part of my day, and loving it!  Those quiet 30 minutes with the Lord are some of the best spent times.  I’m noticing the little things now.  God is revealing so much!  It’s spring, and no matter where I am, the Lord is constantly showing Himself.  The grass is turning green, and the tulips are blossoming.  The sun comes up a little earlier, and feels just a little bit warmer.  There is snow on Friday and is gone by Saturday.  All magnificient signs of the King, and His glorious power.

I’m in a weird mood right now.  So thankful for the opportunity to gather with followers of Christ, and praise Him.  Yet frustrated knowing that for some, it was nothing more than a fun event to attend.  Why do I let this bother me?  Should it?  I’m left feeling frustrated and only slightly encouraged.  I’m left a little bit bitter, and somewhat defeated.

I hope that for some tonight was beyond amazing, I pray that God truly moved.  I see Him moving, and in that I should find encouragement.  I selfishly pray for myself, that I not be so bothered by this, that I see the Truth and cling to it, and not be hurt by the disappointment of people.

Raw… that’ what you got.

^{I knew it was coming, I could feel it. I’ve finally reached the end of my rope.} 

^{Never quite good enough. Never quite worth anyone’s time.  I’ve always brushed it off. Held to a self-created truth that you’re obviously not worth mine, if I’m not worth yours.}

^{At last! I’m done investing time, energy and heart into things, people that aren’t willing to invest back. It’s exhausting.  I’ve run out of fuel to burn.}

^{Lamentations 3… if you’ve never read it, do it!  These are my new favorite verses, and I finally know exactly why.  Something about the all consuming love of the Father, the knowledge that He truly is “jealous for me,” hits me like a rock.  I can’t wrap my mind around it, and I’m content knowing that His love is greater, wider, deeper than I could ever imagine.}  

²¹I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
   the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
   the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
   and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

 ^22-24God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
   his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
   How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He’s all I’ve got left.

 ^25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
   to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
   quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young
   to stick it out through the hard times.

 ^28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
   go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
   Wait for hope to appear.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.
   The “worst” is never the worst.

 ^31-33Why? Because the Master won’t ever
   walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
   His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
   in throwing roadblocks in the way:

I’ll continue in investing in the one thing I know will never fail, or disappoint me.  The one relationship, friendship, love that doesn’t have an end in sight.  The rest for now I’m setting aside.  I haven’t reached rock bottom, I’m clinging to hope, keeping my head above water. 

In in a low.  Trees don’t grow above the treeline, I’ll wait for my mountaintop for now.  It’s coming.

Never felt so strange, so out of place.

I feel edgy and irritated, and I’ve shut myself out.

I don’t know why, but I don’t like it.

I fee like I’m missing something, longing for something, but I don’t know what it is.

I’m feeling useless and ill equipped.

I suddenly feel like I’m supposed to be doing something else, something bigger, something better.

This is not a good feeling.  I wanna shake it, want it gone.

It’s been a wild ride the last few days, I’m caught in the glorious mystery of my Heavenly Father, and loving every minute of it. 

Here’s a piece to my journal from a few days back… be aware, when I write, I usually make no sense.

Feb 10
I leave conversations like this frustrated and encouraged all in one. 

I want that… to burn with a fire that can’t be extinguished, and suddenly and without warning God is doing just that, lighting me on fire.  I have goosebumps just thinking about it. 

Even in these moments, I’m frustrated, realizing that God has supplied me with a burning desire, but being lost in how to harness it.  I’m exhausted from the emptiness that so much of this world has to offer me, and can only cling to what I know is true. 

I stand in awe of the Father’s love.

I’m studying more and more into the mind, heart and passion of God in everything- I spent six hours at Starbucks today, pouring over neuronal physiology, and while I understand the material presented, I’m amazed at the God who created it all.  Months ago we did a study with Louie Giglio, one he labeled “Indescribable”- I’m here to say the word does Him no justice.

I’m left amazed, that while I sit and study for an anatomy class, I’m learning more about the Father, a tiny tiny glimpse into the unfathomable depths of His love for us.  Yet I laugh, at the fact that we as humans have this overwhelming desire to know exactly how the world works.  My thoughts at this point, why bother?!  Why would I want to try and make sense of something so much bigger.  The ridiculousness of our quest for knowledge, trumps what should be a quest for a relationship beyond all relationships. 

I do love knowing how and why certain things work, but I always wonder if God is looking down on me, and the rest of the world, saying “JUST WAIT!!! You have no idea what you’re about to discover!!!” 

In our quest for knowledge we are also trying to pin down a measurement on the Father’s love for us.  People say, ‘He loved you enough to die for you….’ but does that really even begin to chip away? Another Christian clique I’m afraid.  I can say I have a number of people, I would be willing to die for, but does that mean I love them like He loves them?!  Definitely not!  We are stupid, underserving, ruthless, obnoxious, disobedient and careless people, and yet, through it all He still loves us.  He created us knowing that we would rebel, that we would curse His name, and turn our backs on Him.  Why?! That’s the question I’m left with.  Because I’m human, I can’t put understanding to why You would do something like that, why you would let me live after all the horrible things I’ve done.  But Love, Grace and Mercy, are paving for me, a road I can’t wait to walk along. 

It isn’t all supposed to make sense, I don’t think I’m supposed to understand it all.  I’m just supposed to know that He is Awesome, Holy, Mighty, the Creator, Romancer, Lover, Passionate, Jealous, Genius, Father of all.  I want for those to not simply be the words of my mind, but the words of my heart.  I want to exude passion on the world, just as He does. 

Once again, I ask too much of  You, and in due time You will do whatever it is that You have planned.  Thank You for that, and allow me to know and understand better that everything You do has a bigger purpose that I could ever imagine.

I warned you it was confusing, and on the brink of crazy.  My mind runs rampant when I put pen to paper, not at all like it does here.  Something I cherish about journaling: here I can change my thoughts, make them sound more appropriate and fix my grammatical errors.  When I journal, my mind just wanders, jumping from thought to thought, and I my hand can’t keep up with it.  My spelling is awful, and my grammar, something I cringe at when I reread it all.  Yet the beauty in it is knowing that those are my true thoughts, true aspirations, true desires, and that there are times I don’t even realize what I’m writing down.

It was one of those days I felt I needed to share with y’all, even if it makes no sense at all. 

I’ve been struggling for days to put it all down on paper, it comes out so much easier when I’m talking, but writing it down requires more thought and typing it out… even more. 

There are no words to express everything I learned this past week, my head is full, and my heart is bursting. 

This will be my sad attempt to explain anything I’m thinking, or feeling, and know that I’m still trying to sort it all out, and it could be a long while before I really know what exactly He wanted me to get out of this week. These are culminations of everything I wrote down this week.  Every statement and question is one that will help me begin my walk from here on out.

• God has a plan for my life, and he is willing and able to communicate that plan with me, the question becomes, am I willing to listen?
• That I may desire the one who desires me-where is my passion for the Kingdom?
• Get in the crap of the world- be the salt that it needs to be on fire for Him
• I am the presence of the Divine Splendor
• Where are the dark places in my world?  Light only makes a difference where there hasn’t been any.
• What do I have, and am I willing to give it up? Too often I take what little I have and hide it behind a rock, in order to protect it, shouldn’t I be handing it over and letting God do something bigger and better with it?  Even if it means losing it all together?
• The Kingdom of God lies in the believers.  At the end of the day, those that pass us by do not see a marked difference between those with the Spirit and those without.  Apathetic Christianity.
• God chose me, I didn’t choose Him.  Choosing Him for myself places me in the center of our relationship, while the reality is that I exist for His glory. 
• He took me as completely dead, and raised me from death into something wonderful, an instrument to be used by Christ to create the music of His heart.
• “If you try to build intimacy with another person before you have done the hard work of becoming whole on your own (complete in Christ) all relationships will become an attempt to complete yourself and therefore set you up for failure.” -Dr. Leslie Parrot
• He cas CALLED me to take what I have and give it away, not to be a reservoir of information, or secret keeper of the Holy Word. 

I’m reading over these every day, and trying to process them is killing me.  I need to just let it settle.  Hand it all over, lay it all on the table and let Him do the rest. 

Easier said than done I’m afraid.

Yet I love the idea, of being free of all my worries, knowing that in the end God is in control.  He won’t let me do anything, or not do anything that will put me worse off than before.  It’s time to take that step of faith, step out and be the change I so desire to see.  We spent a lot of time talking about apathy, and I think too many times, I have reached that place… the “been here, done that” place.  I’ve numbed myself to the amazing love, grace and mercy that is my Heavenly Father, it’s time to open up, and see exactly what it is that He has in store for me right now.