Let me start by saying, I’m a bit of a hypocrite. I’m not proud of it, and I’m desperately praying that Lord continues working on this with me. The last couple of months have been a unique time of revelation. The Lord is, in mighty ways, revealing areas of my life that have cracks much bigger than I was once aware of, and as a result, I’m discovering that I have heaps of issues to deal with.
One of which happens to be my inability to be loved.
I lost about half of you with just that statement, and that’s ok.
I recently posted an eager rant about my frustrations within our generation and how we can’t seem to simply love another. How we allow petty things in life like time define our relationships with people, and how we’ve simply become too dispensable to one another. I went on to say that the key is to live a life of intentionality. I rambled on like I actually knew the answer. Like I had solved some great big mystery.
Here’s the problem I ran into shortly after my angry rant. Take a peak into my journal with me… beware, it might be hard to follow along.
I love to love people. But I shiver at the idea that people want to love me.
What the hey?!?!
Sure, all it takes is a little intentionality to truly love people, but what happens when people want to intentionally love me? I put up a wall that could easily compete with the Great Wall of China.
This is lame. This is frustrating.
Where did this come from and why can’t I shake it? How have I managed to live so many years being open and vulnerable with a select number of people, and only to a certain point. Can I say that the people that I hold dearest to my heart actually know me? That’s risky business.
Truth be told that I’ve always been more than willing to tell more than enough people about my life and what’s happening. But trust me also, that if you get me in close quarters, I’ll start to delve into the reality of what’s happening and most likely stop just shy of the full truth. At some point, my mind wonders “why would anyone care to know this?!” and I stop dead in my tracks. That’s a problem.
How can I properly love those around me, if I can’t let them love me back? Or first? Why am I playing twenty questions with myself?
It was at that point that I recall setting down my journal and going for a run. Desperate for time to clear my head, and time with the Lord. I recall being rather frustrated and angry with Him for the sole reason that this had not been brought to my attention earlier, and intsead He wanted me to deal with it then.
The timing could not have been more perfect though. With everyone gone for the summer I came to a realization of what intentionality actually looks and feels like.
I have to take a second to apologize for the months of phone calls from multiple people that I simply ignored because I couldn’t understand why you would want to chat while you were there and I was here. I have to apologize for not letting you know exactly what was going on in my head when you asked. I have to apologize for being vague and shallow.
It shouldn’t have surprised me that people called, emailed, Skyped and wrote. It only makes sense. I’m just the idiot who couldn’t accept that.
Romania. Yet again it captured and changed my heart. There I learned even more what it looks like to be fully vulnerable and intentional with people; to love people and be loved by people. I sat with friends I’ve known for years, hearing details on life now that they thankfully, finally, felt comfortable enough to share. And then it was my turn, that’s where the Lord found me once again, pouring words out of my mouth that I never intended to share. What a hidden blessing, what incredible timing. I loved and was loved. People asked how I was and what I was doing, and instead of recoiling in the back of my mind as to why they would want to know, I was able to let them in without hesitation. Blessed.
And with that, I returned to ACTUALLY renew my life of intention.
If you ask me how I am, beware, you might get a mouthful depending on the day. I’m letting people in on my life, not just showing them the front door. I want to properly love people by letting them love me. Vulnerable Intentionality. Good gracious, it only took 23 years to figure it out.
Life brings you struggles. Let people in, don’t shut them out. Life gets busy. Let people be busy with you, don’t bar them from experiencing the amazing roller coaster ride that busyness can sometimes be.
This is about to be an interesting journey… join me?
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